it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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