WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
