Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
