All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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