life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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