3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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