i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
