Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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