Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
