i permit you to call me
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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