im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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