i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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