new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He has the fingertips of a God
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