Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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