so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she smelled like a LAN party
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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