I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
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You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
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"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize