Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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