I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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