I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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