I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
