I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
