my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
