You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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