Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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