i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
