OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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