Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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