Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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