if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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