the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
