The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
