I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.