does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
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You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
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You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.