That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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