I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
