that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
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My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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