she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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