Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
