Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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