Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
