Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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