Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
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Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
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A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.