new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
