Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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