I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
