Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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