I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
