apparently the secret to your success is patron
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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