I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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