So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
