i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
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