Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
