Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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