either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Oh god it's open bar.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
