apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
