i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
