I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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