I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
