census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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