Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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