The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
