Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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